As we continue to watch the last vestiges of primetime dramas fight for their lives on FOX for various reasons, the network has thrown their all into an endless stream of reality television for our viewing pleasure.
Say what you will about reality TV, but FOX knows its bread and butter and delivers when it comes to anything involving Gordon Ramsay and whatever rendition of brutal survival adventure television that has us shouting obscenities from our couches.
Now, FOX has introduced Extracted, and I hate to say it, but they got me in a way that has me judging myself for whatever perverse pleasure I’m finding in the exploitation of families for cold, hard cash.
We’ve Reached New Lows of Reality TV, But Drag Me to Hell, I Guess
You would never catch me DEAD on Extracted.
The entire premise of this series is unusually convoluted and attempts to combine series like Alone with, I don’t know, Big Brother or something, with maybe a dash of Traitors tossed in there.
It’s a hot mess express of reality television that will likely make me rage to the same degree as Netflix’s Outlast.
Seriously, if you want to have your blood boiling by watching a bunch of terrible people do whatever it takes to get ahead, tune into that.
Extracted consists of 12 families of three people, with one person sent into the wilderness of British Columbia with the clothes on their back and the faith that their loved ones will hold them down until the end.
Right there, we know Extracted is chaotic, and the producers must be as villainous as Quinn King on UnReal. There are members of my family I wouldn’t rely on to talk me through walking across the street blindfolded, let alone battling the elements in the middle of the forest.
Extracted Puts Families in the Worst Positions
The one survivalist has to attempt to survive alone with no contact while their loved ones watch in some headquarters with all the other families and do little challenges and things that may assist their person in the field.
The HQ folks get to watch their loved one tough it out in the wilderness by themselves, and it’s up to them to decide if that person has endured too much and has to tap out.
Yeah, hell no to infinity with that! I can already envision my chaotic brother hovering over the big red “extract” button and laughing while I’m on the brink of a bear mauling me.
See, this is the type of familial chaos that this series invites because you have to deal with all the drama, tension, and issues that arise in your family and combine that with a few thousand dollars.
Imagine if that cousin you never knew resented the hell out of you and would rather watch you puking your guts out from contaminated water and nearly dying because they want you to “stick it out” for their chunk of the cash.
Extracted is trying to RUIN families, and one installment in, it’s already doing that.
Extracted’s Measley Prize Isn’t Worth the Drama
Worse yet, there’s not even enough money to justify this pain and drama.
The contestants are supposed to share $250,000 three ways, and we won’t even talk about what little remains after taxes. You can’t even get a decent house after all of that!
What’s the point? At least Survivor gives you a cool million, and you don’t have to rely on the same people who spent 90% of the holidays arguing with you over stupid stuff!
One of the contestants, Ashley, hopes to prove to her fiance and her father-in-law that she can tough it out with their adventurous, outdoorsy lifestyle, and it lowkey feels like her entire future marriage may depend on this.
My love, why prove anything to these people, and where will you stand if you can’t hack it? It’s concerning.
The Contestants are Kinda Dumb, And Their Team Repeatedly Tells Them So
Meanwhile, I’ve never seen a couple of people more disappointed in a loved one as much as Blake and Collin. Their father/uncle Woody barely touched down in the wilderness, and the former cop made the cardinal mistake of drinking lake water without purifying it.
Their respect for this man dwindles by the second as his bubble gut destroys him from the inside out.
If Woody can’t even handle obtaining drinkable water, he won’t last any longer. He’s sick as a dog right now, but his HQ teammates are sitting there with steepled fingers and restrained obscenities, wondering how long he’ll go before they push that button.
It’s a wrap, my guys!
They’re trying to play it nicely, but Woody’s nephew looks pissed off, and as his chances at $80-something-grand go down the drain, I’m confident future family meals to come will be tense as hell.
Roger and Candace’s challenge to obtain their son Ryan all the equipment he needed to survive another night was such a disastrous display of the classic wife who does literally everything and a husband who can’t figure out logical things.
Extracted Delivers Reality TV Villains, But They’re Just Obnoxious
Men’s weaponized incompetence is why Ryan doesn’t have all the proper equipment right now. I could almost see Candance reevaluating her entire decades-long marriage to this man at that exact moment.
Uncle Terence and Cousin David’s cutthroat tactics to push Jakoben ahead are the type of reality TV villainy you come to expect on a competition show.
However, who’s taking the cake right now is young Anthony, embarrassing the ever-loving hell out of his parents in front of all the teams and America because his spoiled-only child syndrome is on fleek!
Ahem, sorry.
Anthony’s obnoxious tantrums in which he calls his parents idiots for how they sent him a box of EVERYTHING HE NEEDED are reality television gold in the best and worst possible way.
Everyone’s shocked by how entitled the youngest contestant comes across, leaving his helicopter mom (oops, I mean cropduster mother) to feel frustrated and hurt by her son.
One Episode In, A Zoomer Provides All the Entertainment and Headaches
Meanwhile, Anthony’s father is having a full-blown parenting crisis and wondering where he went wrong. My guy is embarrassed, and frankly, I would be too.
Anthony knows he’s not supposed to behave like this in mixed company, said company being all of freaking America. He’s a total brat and ready to quit already for whatever reason.
Meanwhile, Yolanda’s stubborn refusal to extract her cranky and mean son from the game because now she’s trying to teach him a lesson and be spiteful is as well.
And hell, maybe she wants the money, too, since Anthony seems one of the most capable of winning if he puts more effort into that than whining.
Nevertheless, by the time this series ends, most of these families will fall apart after embarrassing themselves on national television, and for what? Peanuts.
But alas, it’s the American way!
Did you tune into Extracted? How ridiculous is it? Let’s hear your thoughts below!